I hate PTSD

This past week, I had a horrific episode of PTSD symptoms. Here’s what happened.

One morning, I had a major problem at work. My self-confidence and feelings of self worth were really put through a meat grinder.

My husband went to a doctor’s appointment that same day, right across the street from where I work. Afterward, he stopped by to see me in the lobby (there’s a little deli there), because I told him I was having a terrible morning and could use some support. He was kind enough to listen to my story about my horrible morning at work and offer some much-needed support.

After we finished that conversation, he said the doctor had given him a prescription. He had a full afternoon ahead of him and a commitment in the evening, so I offered to take his prescription in and get it filled. I was going to the drugstore anyway to pick up one of my own prescriptions, so it was no trouble at all.

We said good bye, and I went back up to my office.

I lost the prescription somewhere in between. No idea where. I only realized it when it was 5 pm and I was getting ready to leave. Couldn’t find that slip of paper anywhere. Searched my desk, dug through the trash, searched my bag. Asked the lost and found, looked in the hallways, stairwell, bathroom. Nothing.

I had a complete meltdown. Coupled with the stress I was dealing with at work, plus some other financial stressors, I lost it. I even knew it at the time, that my reaction was totally related to PTSD. But I couldn’t seem to stop it.

I felt like I let my husband down, I felt like I couldn’t be trusted with even the smallest bit of paper (I wrote about the “why” of that particular problem in my book). I felt like my boss had no faith in me (even though he had undermined me). I felt like I couldn’t trust myself and had no reason to believe anyone else could, either.

It was horrible.

It’s a few days later, and I’m still trying to recover from this episode. It’s exhausting to live this way. And no, it isn’t something we can just “let go” of. As I also wrote about in my book, trauma lives within us, is part of us, is indelible. It’s basically like saying we need to let go of our DNA. I’m still learning to live with this irrevocable damage that was done to my self, my person, my DNA. Some days, it’s pretty damn tough.


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