As a survivor of domestic violence, and one who has been through trauma therapy, I have to be aware of a lot of my behaviors. I need to recognize when, for example, I’m subjugating my own needs in order to avoid conflict.
That’s what I’ve been doing lately. I didn’t realize it until yesterday, after a heated discussion with my daughter. She wasn’t angry with me — she was angry about something else that involves me, though. And I realized that, in part, my own behavior has been contributing negatively to this situation.
So I need to rectify it. I need to be brave enough to confront someone. I’ll do it with love, care and respect. But I absolutely must assert myself and not try to bend and twist myself so someone else is more comfortable. In this particular situation, the cost of that “comfort” is too great, for me and even for the other person. It’s damaging our relationship, not helping it.
Two nights in a row of serious nightmares is enough already. Different general topics, same underlying theme: being trapped in a situation I can’t get out of, and no one believes me.
Gee, do you think it could have something to do with my past? AND my present?
I felt trapped in my abusive marriage, of course. But I feel trapped in my current job situation right now, too. It’s a very patriarchal system, everything is managed top-down, and most of the people in charge are male. So it’s literally a patriarchal/paternalistic environment.
I hate it. I need to get out of there. And I’m trying to do that — I’m looking for work elsewhere and am also trying to figure out a business model to do on my own. I’m making progress on that latter front, but it’s slow going right now. I need to speed it up. These dreams are making that clear to me.
So I suppose bad dreams aren’t all bad: they can reveal some truth that I need to see, and then act upon. I’ll take more action. TODAY.
These past few days have been rather dark for me. Leading up to them, I had been feeling generally hopeful about my life and my future, believing that I could make some changes and have a better professional life. (My personal life … I’ll save that for other posts.)
I know it’s just a cloud that will pass by, but I am feeling right now as if there is nothing I can possibly offer, in a professional capacity, that anyone would find valuable. I don’t want to be stuck in this unfulfilling and often hurtful 9-to-5 situation. I have worked for myself before, and I did OK. But times are different now, and what I was doing back then simply can’t be done now. I’ve accepted that reality.
My confidence has really been shaken: by my current work environment, by the executive coach who noticed the disconnect between what she perceived as my strength and the ridiculous situation I’m in at work.
My plan is to get a different 9-to-5 while I build something for myself in my “off” time: so I can be an independent worker and not have to rely on anyone for a paycheck except me. The job applications are out there — four officially, one unofficially, just in the past month.
I’m plowing ahead, mostly in this darkness, groping for something that I’m hoping will appear if I keep looking for it. I’m doing exercises from books, like a skills inventory. I’m addressing some emotional problems I continue to have as a result of the trauma. I’m doing everything I can do, but so far I’m still in the dark.