That knot. Right in the middle of my stomach. Like it’s twisting around my insides and not going to let go.
That’s one of the strongest physical sensations I have when something triggers a reaction in me related to the trauma I suffered. It’s happening a lot at work for me right now, so much so that I know I need to find a new job or figure out a way to make my own way in this world.
It happens because where I work, the two people in charge are male. That, in and of itself, isn’t a problem. But it’s a very paternalist/patriarchal setup. Neither of them wants to let go of control; hence, they are very controlling and dole out information and responsibilities in the tiniest pieces possible. They wouldn’t see themselves that way, but I do — and so do other people in the office.
That whole “man in charge” thing has really played with my mind in recent months, bringing up all sorts of painful emotions.
I need to leave. That feeling was validated today by someone completely outside of our workplace who sees things totally objectively. She asked me outright if I felt I could be happy staying there, and I told her I didn’t think I could make it work. She said I was a “smart cookie who could do better.”
So let’s see what this smart cookie can really do, shall we? I have to start by untying the knot in my stomach.