Pushing, pulling, doubting

I know that people have doubts.  Even the most successful people in the world — like the president, for example — have doubts. Do you remember the looks on people’s faces in that photo of the president, Secretary Clinton, et al., during the raid on bin Laden? That was a poignant example to me of how even the most powerful people in the world feel fear and doubt.

The difference is, when you’re dealing with symptoms of PTSD and the problems of trauma recovery, fear and doubt creep in all the time. One of my biggest challenges during this recovery process is learning to trust myself. I’ve written before about my struggle to learn to love myself. I’m also having great difficulty learning to trust myself.

It makes sense. An abuser like my ex-husband does everything he can to make you distrust yourself. Question yourself. You start to say things in your head like, “Is it ME? It must be me that’s causing him to act this way. What am I doing wrong?”

I still have this conversation with myself, every single day, about innumerable things. The difference is that I hear the words differently. I recognize that I’m doing it, and when I recognize it, I attempt to change the script.

When I hear that pushing, pulling, doubting conversation inside my head, I try — as often as I possibly can — to say this to myself, instead: “You can be trusted. You do have good judgment. You can be successful and still have a few doubts. It’s normal.”

Is it easy? No. Am I worth it? Yes.

 

Continuing the story

I started this journey on a tumblr blog, which I will leave up for just a few more days. My goal for this blog is to chronicle my continuing story, this time of rebuilding myself following intensive trauma therapy.

Thank you for visiting, and I hope you’ll find this blog — and the book I wrote — inspiring and helpful.

–Lucy