Why I changed my mind

As I noted in my last post, this has been a difficult time for me, these past two weeks.

At first I was sure I made the right decision to take the book down while I worked on a revision. But then I heard from some readers (thank you!) and I spoke to my therapist, and I realized that taking the book down would have some serious emotional consequences for me.

It would have been a mistake.

I thought I had a really good reason for taking the book down.┬áIt wasn’t a matter of safety or anything like that, fortunately. My therapist pointed out to me, rightly so, that I was reacting to a recent event (I don’t want to share the details) from the point of view of a traumatized person.

In other words, it wasn’t what I wanted to do. It was what I thought I should do in order to appease someone else. But it wasn’t necessary for me to react this way, and it signified that I still have a long way to go in trauma recovery.

Does this ever end? I mean, will I ever react to situations and events as a “normal” person?

The answer is no, I won’t.

I’ve accepted that, but it still makes me angry. Once my therapist pointed all of this out to me, it was so obvious I couldn’t believe I didn’t see it for myself.

What I’ve learned is that I do have to be more aware of my reactions. No rest for the weary, as they say.

But I am tired.

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