I’m breaking through, slowly

broken glassAs I wrote about yesterday, I had a terrible PTSD episode in the afternoon that really sent me reeling.

To make my day even worse, I encountered a horrific subway problem trying to get home after running a couple of minor shopping errands. A commute that should have taken me 45 minutes took me 2-1/2 hours.

My husband met me as I was walking up the hill to our apartment building, bless him. And what did I do? I took the bags I’d been carrying and smashed them against a fence.

It felt like something inside myself broke though — like breaking a window and finally being able to see clearly to the other side.

I was angry about the subway situation, yes. But that wasn’t what made me (almost) break what I’d bought.

It was simply that I am tired of interacting with people at my job who show so little respect for others, that they’re willing to throw them under the bus or stomp on their careers and lives without giving it another thought. The cavalier attitude that prevails among senior staff members is not only irritating, it’s damaging — to me and other people, good people, with whom I work.

For my entire adult life, I have ignored or otherwise not even felt these kinds of things. Now, it’s as if all these pent-up realizations are breaking through, slowly and over time — and sometimes suddenly, like now.

I don’t know if I can “make it” as a successful fiction and nonfiction writer of self-published books. But the only way I’ll find out is if I keep going. I’ve always found that taking one step often allows other doors to open. So I’ll keep writing. And I will — I absolutely will — find another method of supporting myself financially that allows me to break free of this 9-to-5 grind of working for other people. I’m still on the one-day plan of life invention. And yesterday was another big “a-ha” moment.

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