I hit the proverbial wall today

Crops growing in a fieldI’ve made no secret on this blog, and in my book, that a major part of my life that’s been disappointing to me has been my career, or lack thereof. It’s one of the things that my traumatic experience took from me, and I’ll never have what I could have had. That’s a tough pill to swallow some days.

Like today.

Earlier this year, I took an incredible entrepreneurship class offered by Marie Forleo. It was eye-opening to me, not only because it showed me the possibilities that still exist for me in terms of work, but also because for the first time, I could actually see those possibilities.

I could envision my life being different. My work could be fun, meaningful and creative — not to mention lucrative.

In my post-trauma life, I have experienced something that happens to almost everyone who goes through domestic violence. I have been unable to imagine a future. As weird as that sounds to people on the outside of trauma, it’s very real to those of us inside it.

To turn a corner and be able to see what might lie in front of me — a path of my own making — has been a miraculous change in my life as a result of the excellent therapy I received.

Getting back to today …

I’m in a new job, which is fine and is much better than my previous one. But it isn’t what I want to be doing with my life! I want to work for myself again and have control over my income and my schedule. Today, I was denied vacation time I requested — time that is vital to me — because the office is severely understaffed.

This is not a situation I created. It’s one that the director has not dealt with, even though it’s obvious to everyone.

That was the wall. That “no, you can’t take a vacation.”

So to say I’m ramping up my new business venture fast would be putting it mildly. I now have a hard deadline for myself of August 15. Everything will be ready to go. I have to start somewhere, sometime. So this is it. I’m sure things will evolve, as they always do. But starting is the first step.

Even though it hurt to run into that wall today, it also was freeing. Because after I ran into it, I KNOCKED THE THING DOWN!

There is nothing standing in my way now. All I see in front of me are possibilities and a life that is radically better than the one I’m currently living.


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