Happy and sad, all at once

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know that I have wanted to have my own business and have been working hard to get there. Last year, I took Marie Forleo’s stupendous B-School entrepreneurship course — what a wonderful experience.

Then, well, life sort of happened. My husband has been in treatment for depression since Feb. of 2013, and it’s been a difficult and stressful journey so far. All of that impacted my ability to move forward with my own goals and dreams.

But now, I am. I started my business and, while I’m not yet making much money, I know it will happen. Everything feels right. That’s making me very, very happy, because I’m helping people. The abundance of all kinds, money included, will follow.

What’s making me sad, then?

People I interact with online and via Skype — the people I’m helping through my business — have told me over and over again that I’m a light to them. My spirit is somehow touching them, and they’re openly telling me this. I had a Skype session with a woman the other day who was saying that she couldn’t wait to meet me because I was such a bright and shining light in a sometimes dark world. Even my website, which to me seems a bit unpolished but still genuine, has received comments like, “Your website made me cry with happiness at finding you.”

So how could this possibly make me feel sad?

The reason is because my husband still has trouble seeing this light in me. And I realize it’s not because of me, but because he is still have trouble seeing the light in anything, including himself. While he has made progress and has worked very hard, he still misses so much of life because of the depression he has suffered with for so long. I wouldn’t call him clinically depressed anymore, but he still lives in an inner world that is often cut off from emotion and connection.

Will he be able to see the light, as it were? First in himself, and then in others? I don’t know. I don’t use the word “hope” anymore because it places emphasis on the future, which doesn’t exist.

Only this moment exists, and as I live in this moment, I flit between happiness and sadness today, trying to find the positive aspects of everything and succeeding, momentarily. What I do know for sure is that I will never allow anything or anyone to extinguish this light. My first husband couldn’t do it, much as he tried. And this situation won’t, either.

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