This month has been filled with contradictions for me. On the one hand, I took action and continue to pursue what I started a couple of weeks ago. On the other hand, even while taking action I feel like a blind person groping in the dark.
What is going on here? Why can’t I seem to connect with what I want to do with this life of mine?
For the past 18 months, at least, I have been grappling with some excruciatingly difficult personal problems. Going through trauma therapy brought me to the brink of emotional disaster. I didn’t think I would make it out of there, but I did. On top of that, my marriage started to fall apart, a process that had taken a few years but really hit bottom at the end of 2011/beginning of 2012.
I have been working very hard on my marriage, attempting to rebuild a connection with my beautiful husband of nearly 15 years.
As for myself, I’m all over the place. I’m rushing around, trying to find or create some path for myself that feels right, especially in a professional sense. I’m 50 years old, time’s wasting, I want to do something meaningful with my life, finally … it all crashes down on me on days like today.
I need time. I need space.
I don’t have that luxury right now. So I grab snippets of time and space (at least inside my own mind) during the day: on the subway, in my office at work on a break, in the park at lunch, at the gym on the rowing machine, at night if my husband goes to bed before I do.
It isn’t really working. I think I need to take some vacation time, and soon, to clear my mind of clutter and create a room of my own, inside myself, in which to contemplate my present and my future.