These past few days have been rather dark for me. Leading up to them, I had been feeling generally hopeful about my life and my future, believing that I could make some changes and have a better professional life. (My personal life … I’ll save that for other posts.)

I know it’s just a cloud that will pass by, but I am feeling right now as if there is nothing I can possibly offer, in a professional capacity, that anyone would find valuable. I don’t want to be stuck in this unfulfilling and often hurtful 9-to-5 situation. I have worked for myself before, and I did OK. But times are different now, and what I was doing back then simply can’t be done now. I’ve accepted that reality.

My confidence has really been shaken: by my current work environment, by the executive coach who noticed the disconnect between what she perceived as my strength and the ridiculous situation I’m in at work.

My plan is to get a different 9-to-5 while I build something for myself in my “off” time: so I can be an independent worker and not have to rely on anyone for a paycheck except me. The job applications are out there — four officially, one unofficially, just in the past month.

I’m plowing ahead, mostly in this darkness, groping for something that I’m hoping will appear if I keep looking for it. I’m doing exercises from books, like a skills inventory. I’m addressing some emotional problems I continue to have as a result of the trauma. I’m doing everything I can do, but so far I’m still in the dark.

Anyone have a light?