Most of the time, I forget who I am.
I think I’m actually this person who has tons of thoughts rolling around in her head.
I think I’m actually this person who works for a living.
I think I’m actually a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece.
I think I’m actually a writer.
I think I’m actually my feelings.
I think I’m actually my ego.
I think I’m actually the image I see in the mirror.
But I am none of those things. I can’t even truly see myself for who I am, nor could I ever.
The best I can do is see that I am none of those things. I’m not this container. I’m the container that’s containing the container.
Yesterday I had a few moments of emotional upset. I was actually kind of freaking myself out. I was angry about something related to my job, I was mad at my husband about something else, and I was frustrated with myself.
It wasn’t anxiety, but it was more like “I hate everything right now!”
As soon as I saw myself thinking, the whole scene slowed down — almost like a movie where suddenly everyone is moving in slow motion.
And then I saw what was really happening.
All that upset was coming from inside my own head. It had nothing to do with anything on the outside, because everything on the outside of me is neutral.
Only I can make it “un-neutral” via the power of Thought, which is creating my experience from moment to moment.
In the space that was created after I saw my thinking, a feeling of peace came over me that was so profound it nearly stopped my breath.
I realized that no matter what is happening around me, no matter what anyone says or does, no matter how much money I have or don’t have, no matter if I get sick and die …
Everything is OK. Everything has always been OK. Everything always will be OK.
I realized it had been a couple of months since I posted anything here. I have no idea if anyone ever visits this blog, but that’s OK. It’s here in case someone needs it. Since I wrote my last post, I left my job of 8 years and began working at a startup. I also have been taking a program with Jamie Smart, who I mentioned in a previous post. What an inspiration he is.
When I woke up this morning, I realized that it’s really important for me to write a new edition of my book before the year ends.
I plan to include everything from the first book, just as it was (I’ll correct a couple of typos, though!). But I want to write a fairly extensive second half based on what I’ve learned over the past year and a half, all about what has helped me recover from PTSD and make tremendous changes in my life.
I’m also going to do something else, which is include both my pen name and my real name on the new edition. But if you’re reading this blog post, you’ll see it right here, right now.
The new book will be —
I Am Just A Woman: My Story Of Domestic Violence And Recovery
By Lucy Johnson, with Mary Schiller
In the intro, I’ll explain why I’ve chosen to create it this way. The truth is, I feel like myself now. I still love Lucy (haha!), but she was living with a misunderstanding that I have since been able to clear up for her.
So stay tuned for a new version of the book pretty soon. I’m starting to write it today.
I’ve been reading and listening to a book by Jamie Smart, called Clarity: Clear Mind, Better Performance, Bigger Results. I really like this book. It’s based on the Three Principles, but it describes them in a very different way that I find quite fascinating.
Yesterday, I did two long walks and was listening to Clarity again for the second, or maybe third, time. Every time I listen, I hear something new. One thing I heard this time was this: “We all have material challenges from time to time. What turns them into insoluble problems is our thinking.”
I also have come to see that even if I really think I have a problem, so what? I can go about my business even with any uncomfortable feelings that arise. I know those feelings aren’t coming from anywhere other than my thinking, so why do I need to be worried or afraid? I don’t!
Such freedom I feel in my life now!