Feeling free and moving forward

I have never felt so free in all my life.

it’s as if there have been little earthquakes going on inside me for the past 3 years or so, and then in the past couple of months, a seismic shift has taken place.

Instead of worrying about the future, I’m inspired by it — and by the present moment, too. I say to myself every day, when I get up out of bed, “Something wonderful is going to happen to me today.”

And it does, because I allow it to happen.

I’m coaching people, I’m writing books, I’m preparing a program to help people who are in jobs they don’t like to feel better about their situations … it’s all fun, and it’s all because I have nothing holding me back anymore. NOTHING.

Have I made much money in my entrepreneurial endeavors yet? No, but it doesn’t even matter anymore. I know it will happen if I keep giving of myself, if I keep inspiring myself by the actions I’m taking.

It would be easy for me to fall back into grief for the years I lost, when I could have been doing all of these things. But maybe I can help even more people now: with the knowledge I have, with the understanding I have, with the power I possess to communicate my ideas.

I’m still alive. I’m still breathing. It’s not too late for me.

What a difference a few days makes

When I see where I was just a few days ago, emotionally and mentally, I am awestruck by the power of the mind — and more importantly, the power I have over my mind.

I have come to understand that my thoughts are mine, and they can be whatever I want them to be. In turn, I can change my feelings almost on a dime just be moving my thoughts a degree this way or that.

A few days ago, I was making the final preparations for an online course I was going to be delivering this weekend. It started Friday night with a live webinar and is still happening right now (Sunday afternoon).

So there I was last Monday, thinking everything was ready to go.

And then I had an epiphany of sorts. I went back through my presentation and realized that it was missing a fundamental piece. It wasn’t that I had overlooked it. It was that it hadn’t quite come together in my mind in a way that I knew I could explain to others.

I had a choice: I could go ahead with what I originally planned, which I knew would be helpful because it is what I had been doing with several coaching clients.

Or I could change everything and try something untested — at least by me — with this small group of people enrolled in my weekend workshop.

After giving it some thought, I went with the latter. For 4 days and nights leading up to the webinar, all I did was work on the presentation. I worked in the morning before I went to my job, at lunch, and when I got home. The day of the webinar, I was still working on it when I got up at 6 am and basically said, At 7:30 am, this is done.

I finished it and went through my day at work, trying to be as present as possible there. Whenever I thought about the webinar and the workshop starting that night, I told myself, This is simply what I must say to these wonderful people because I know it can help them. They’ll either think I’m crazy or that I’ve given them the keys to the kingdom, but I cannot let the outcome deter me from saying what needs to be said.

When the webinar began, I actually didn’t feel nervous at all. I spoke, and I kept sharing from the deepest place inside myself.

A miracle happened. Each person in the group took something from what I said and transformed her own thinking and the way she was feeling. Their comments to me were like something out of a dream come true. That I could be a conduit for this sort of mindset shift in other people that helped them move forward and achieve things they didn’t think they could? It was almost too much for me to comprehend, and still is.

Now I know that I can truly help people in a specific and tangible way. And I intend to broaden my audience to include as many people as possible, starting right now.

Having faith in myself instead of fear

This morning, I woke up with a terrible stomach ache, headache, the whole bit.

And I know exactly why.

It’s fear, creeping in. Or in this case, literally taking over my body.

Shall I enumerate my fears? Well, here they are, as of the moment I’m typing this:

  • That I’ll look like a fool today in front of 60 people (I’m on a panel discussion at an amazing startup company, who asked me to come into their office and help them improve their online video creation tool)
  • That I’ll actually be successful at something (isn’t this crazy-making?)
  • That I’ll bomb with my very first e-course (I’m going all out to have a beta version on July 11)
  • That I’ll get fired from my 9-5 job (I’ve had dreams about this the past two nights)

The last one on that list is the one that is really playing games with me. On the one hand, if I actually did get fired, I could get a very nice severance package, I’m sure. I’ve been employed at this organization for 7 years, and I’d be eligible for 6 months of my current pay. Since they’d really be firing me without cause, I’m sure I could negotiate something pretty darn good for myself. So that wouldn’t be a totally bad thing.

But the part that has my stomach and head all tied up in knots is that I feel so totally insecure in this job, which is something I have never, ever felt before. When I was hired for this particular position a year ago, I was returning to the role I had 7 years ago when I started — one that I really enjoyed. Long story short, I left and went elsewhere within the same organization because the person in charge of my division back then was completely incompetent, and I simply couldn’t work for him (I wasn’t the only one who left!).

But then, things changed for the better, so I decided to come back when this position opened up again. For the first few months, everything was really, really good. Then, a new boss came in, and a coworker who I hadn’t met and who had been on maternity leave, returned. Since then, everything has gone downhill, not just for me but for another colleague on this team. He and I are not in the “clique” that our new boss has formed with the two other people on our team, and our duties have been slowly stripped from us — to the point where now, we almost feel like we’re superfluous.

This is not a good feeling to have every day. He and I often laugh because we’re completely shut out of important conversations. Our boss and the other two people make decisions that affect all of us, and he and I are not included. Before the new boss and this coworker returned, he and I were doing everything ourselves — and we got incredible results, I should add. We’re hyper-capable!

And that’s what we think the problem is. We’ve concluded that our new boss, and the woman who returned after maternity leave, are intimidated by our abilities and unfortunately, have made the choice to cut us out — ironically, through fear (since that’s the topic of this post).

What can I do? Well, I’ve accepted this reality, although not fully enough, as evidenced by my dreams. I have a performance review coming up on Monday, which should be interesting since my boss has barely spoken to me for the past 6 months and has no idea if I’m competent or not. Whatever she says, I’m going to let it float right through me and realize that, in the end, it doesn’t matter.

What does matter is how I feel about myself.

With everything that I have been through in my life, all that I have faced and overcome, why would I ever lose faith in myself?

And the answer is: I won’t. No matter what someone else thinks of me or says to me or does to me, I retain faith in myself. I believe that I’m strong because I absolutely know that I am. My job is not to make my boss like me or talk to me or anything of the sort. My job is to live a life that is based in love and not fear, in presence and not worry about an unseen, unknowable future.

So that is my mantra today: I am choosing love and faith over fear, and I’ll treat myself and others accordingly.

Because let’s face it. When I’m on my death bed, am I going to care what my boss thought of me back in 2014? Or am I going to care about how I felt about myself and how I treated others?

An excellent article by a man, asking for men to help women end domestic violence

Let’s hear it for Dean Obeidallah!

Check out this article he penned asking his fellow men to join in the fight against domestic violence.

He says that like many men, he had no idea the extent of the carnage perpetrated by men on women. He quotes several statistics, such as the following:

“More women in the United States have been killed by their husbands and boyfriends (11,766) during the time of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars than U.S. troops fighting those wars (6,488)”

“The NYPD receives 700-plus phone calls per day from women who are victims of domestic violence”

Read the full article here. Let’s get men involved and make domestic violence a thing of the past. Too many of us are dying and being harmed irreparably by this societal scourge.