Not to minimize anything else I’ve done in my life — I’ve worked in a lot of different and rewarding roles, like being a teacher and writer — but it’s only now that I feel like I’m really understanding my potential as a professional.
Do I wish I had been able to access all of this power 20 years ago? Of course. But wishing won’t make it so. My reality is that I’m 52, and I’m here, and I’ve got these skills and abilities that I’m not really using. And I want to use them.
Like … lately I’ve been experimenting with taking my writing skills in a brand new direction, in addition to fiction. And I’ve toyed with the idea of resurrecting my music composition skills that have been dormant for more years than I care to say.
But hey, I can’t look back. The past is gone. The future is an illusion. Right now is what I have. And in this moment, I’m happy. I know myself, really know myself. I don’t need anyone else to make me whole. I don’t need anyone’s love, permission, anything. I’m strong and confident, and I have no fear of anything.
These past few days, I’ve been doing a ton of work on my new business venture — it helps, in a way, that I’ve had the flu. I couldn’t go to work and have barely gotten out of bed for 4 days. So I’ve used the time to work on my own stuff.
I’m putting a course online and will use it as a platform to gain private clients interested in learning how to streamline and simplify their marketing efforts.
I’m also developing two more business “prongs,” both related strictly to writing — which is my strongest skill, so I figure it’s a relatively easy way to ramp things up even faster.
Even with all of this focused work going on, I have to keep reminding myself to be present and not look back. I just purchased another book — actually a recording of a lecture — by Eckhart Tolle that specifically deals with letting go of past pain.
I still have some of that, and I realized today that it doesn’t have anything to do with my first marriage, but everything to do with my second — the one I’m currently in.
What I also came to terms with today (which I’ve thought of before) is that I only have control over my life situation, and no one else’s. I can become more conscious of my life and my choices, and therefore make things better for myself. What my husband chooses to do, or doesn’t choose to do … well, that’s not in my control at all. That’s especially true in regards to depression; a person outside the illness has zero influence on the depressed person. I found that out the hard way.
I can’t make my husband talk to me. I can’t make him feel empathy for me. I can’t make him more tuned in to my needs. I can’t make him change in any way at all. He has to do all of that himself. Or not.
All I can do is be present in my own life. From that place of inner peace, free of problems and worry and pain, I can make choices I need to make.
It’s really weird. But I don’t feel afraid of anything anymore. I’ll make mistakes, I’ll feel grief, I’ll feel all of the difficult things that life brings. But I’m not afraid of those difficult things anymore.
I don’t even have the desire to debate or argue with people, nor do I want to gossip or complain.
Just in the past two days, I have let go of the need to feel any self-pity or discuss what happened to me in my first marriage and beyond. No one else in my life needs to hear that story from me.
My story is helping the people who need to hear it, the women who write to me and tell me about their experiences.