Happy and sad, all at once

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know that I have wanted to have my own business and have been working hard to get there. Last year, I took Marie Forleo’s stupendous B-School entrepreneurship course — what a wonderful experience.

Then, well, life sort of happened. My husband has been in treatment for depression since Feb. of 2013, and it’s been a difficult and stressful journey so far. All of that impacted my ability to move forward with my own goals and dreams.

But now, I am. I started my business and, while I’m not yet making much money, I know it will happen. Everything feels right. That’s making me very, very happy, because I’m helping people. The abundance of all kinds, money included, will follow.

What’s making me sad, then?

People I interact with online and via Skype — the people I’m helping through my business — have told me over and over again that I’m a light to them. My spirit is somehow touching them, and they’re openly telling me this. I had a Skype session with a woman the other day who was saying that she couldn’t wait to meet me because I was such a bright and shining light in a sometimes dark world. Even my website, which to me seems a bit unpolished but still genuine, has received comments like, “Your website made me cry with happiness at finding you.”

So how could this possibly make me feel sad?

The reason is because my husband still has trouble seeing this light in me. And I realize it’s not because of me, but because he is still have trouble seeing the light in anything, including himself. While he has made progress and has worked very hard, he still misses so much of life because of the depression he has suffered with for so long. I wouldn’t call him clinically depressed anymore, but he still lives in an inner world that is often cut off from emotion and connection.

Will he be able to see the light, as it were? First in himself, and then in others? I don’t know. I don’t use the word “hope” anymore because it places emphasis on the future, which doesn’t exist.

Only this moment exists, and as I live in this moment, I flit between happiness and sadness today, trying to find the positive aspects of everything and succeeding, momentarily. What I do know for sure is that I will never allow anything or anyone to extinguish this light. My first husband couldn’t do it, much as he tried. And this situation won’t, either.

Finding my way, slowly but surely

waterIt’s not healthy for me to look back at the past, but what I do need to do is appreciate how far I’ve come.

That’s been my goal for today: looking at where I was, and seeing where I am now.

Today, I’m more centered, more at peace, more focused than I have been in a very long time. I have my priorities in order and am working toward two things every single day: paying off my debt, and having my own business. I actually started a plan called “365 Days to Freedom” that has a mission sent to my Inbox every day. Designed for people like me who want to work for themselves, this program has been hugely helpful in keeping me on the path toward financial and work freedom.

It’s not only about work, though. It’s also about my marriage. I still love my husband, but as yet the after-effects of depression are still keeping his feelings locked away, for the most part. He has made huge strides in the past year since he started treatment, and I applaud the work that he’s done on himself. He has more work to do, which he realizes. I want our marriage to bloom and be what it truly could be. But I cannot wait forever for that to happen, so I continue to monitor my own inner health and make sure that I’m taking care of my own self every day.

The most important thing for me to realize is that my purpose in life isn’t to do something. It’s just to be.

Be present. Be mindful. Live in a conscious and deliberate way. Be kind. Be generous. This is how I’m living my life.