Gravity

I just got home from seeing an early screening of “Gravity” (I saw the 3D version), which stars Sandra Bullock and George Clooney.

I was so moved by this film, I still have tears in my eyes, choking them back more than an hour after it ended.

If you have survived any sort of trauma, grief or really challenging life situation, go see this movie. It will show you, on the big screen, just how strong you are, and how beautiful your life — the part of you that is connected to the vast, open universe — truly is.

Forging ahead and trying not to look back

Photo by me
Photo by me

These past few days, I’ve been doing a ton of work on my new business venture — it helps, in a way, that I’ve had the flu. I couldn’t go to work and have barely gotten out of bed for 4 days. So I’ve used the time to work on my own stuff.

I’m putting a course online and will use it as a platform to gain private clients interested in learning how to streamline and simplify their marketing efforts.

I’m also developing two more business “prongs,” both related strictly to writing — which is my strongest skill, so I figure it’s a relatively easy way to ramp things up even faster.

Even with all of this focused work going on, I have to keep reminding myself to be present and not look back. I just purchased another book — actually a recording of a lecture — by Eckhart Tolle that specifically deals with letting go of past pain.

I still have some of that, and I realized today that it doesn’t have anything to do with my first marriage, but everything to do with my second — the one I’m currently in.

What I also came to terms with today (which I’ve thought of before) is that I only have control over my life situation, and no one else’s. I can become more conscious of my life and my choices, and therefore make things better for myself. What my husband chooses to do, or doesn’t choose to do … well, that’s not in my control at all. That’s especially true in regards to depression; a person outside the illness has zero influence on the depressed person. I found that out the hard way.

I can’t make my husband talk to me. I can’t make him feel empathy for me. I can’t make him more tuned in to my needs. I can’t make him change in any way at all. He has to do all of that himself. Or not.

All I can do is be present in my own life. From that place of inner peace, free of problems and worry and pain, I can make choices I need to make.

It’s really weird. But I don’t feel afraid of anything anymore. I’ll make mistakes, I’ll feel grief, I’ll feel all of the difficult things that life brings. But I’m not afraid of those difficult things anymore.

I don’t even have the desire to debate or argue with people, nor do I want to gossip or complain.

Just in the past two days, I have let go of the need to feel any self-pity or discuss what happened to me in my first marriage and beyond. No one else in my life needs to hear that story from me.

My story is helping the people who need to hear it, the women who write to me and tell me about their experiences.

I am forging ahead, with a renewed spirit.

I can only know myself

pink flower
photo by me

I am the only person whom I can truly know.

And that is a major part of my life’s goal: to really know myself so thoroughly, there is never a question about how I feel about something or someone.

The other part of my life’s goal is to contribute only positive energy to the world. I am going to stop complaining, stop worrying, stop second-guessing myself, and so forth. Whenever any of those negative thoughts or feelings arise, i will acknowledge them, accept them and move on.

Eckhart Tolle talks about 3 states of being in relationship to what you do in life. You can accept it, enjoy it or be enthusiastic about it.

Notice that there’s no hate in there? Such as, “I hate my job”?

I may not enjoy something or being enthusiastic about doing it. But in that case, I will accept it instead of resist it. Resistance only prolongs the suffering I create for myself. Accept something, and then I can make change happen much faster.

But I started this post talking about knowing only myself. I spent most of my life out of touch with many of aspects of myself, all of which had been hidden from me by the after-effects of abuse.

I realized just in the past few weeks, however, that the light that is me, the inner me, never died. It never even dimmed. It acted as a lamp, showing me the way through darkness.

Now I’m looking straight at that light. I’m looking at myself and discovering who I am. I intend to enjoy this journey.

 

Wow. Just wow.

flower
photo by me

In yesterday’s post, I said that I had made a financial mistake that really caused me a lot of personal suffering. It wasn’t so much the amount of money, it was more that I simply should have known better.

Last evening, my husband (who, by the way, is making an amazing recovery from depression) had to work late. So I had some time to myself to reflect on what I had done and why I had done it.

I took the advice of Eckhart Tolle and also applied the tapping/EFT (emotional freedom) techniques. I accepted the situation totally. I accepted myself totally, with all the flaws that brought me to that point in time. I did the tapping exercises out loud: “Even though I’m feeling anguished over this, I completely and totally accept myself.”

I then spent some time in meditation, which I just started doing daily this week.

After that, it was as if something shifted completely. I no longer felt any pain or suffering over what had happened. In fact, I saw it as a blessing. It was a way of waking me up to how much suffering I cause myself, needlessly.

I then did some work on my new business that I’ve started and went to bed.

For the first time in years, literally, I slept all the way through until my alarm went off at 6 am. I didn’t wake up once. I don’t even think I stirred much.

That was all the evidence I needed to know that I’m on the right path. I’m choosing to be present, to live “in the now,” to not concern myself with what is past or what might happen in the future. I’ll take steps I need to take to change my life situation and stabilize it. But I can do that without worry or anxiety. Being present allows me to do that; any other choice does not.

Today, as I’ve gone through the day I’ve done several minutes of meditation — even on the subway when I guy walked on the train without pants (don’t ask).

I’ve felt super creative and plan to work on my next fiction story this weekend as well as continue doing some work on my business; I’m designing an online class, which I’ll launch in October.

And then, I got a bit of a financial reprieve: with something I paid for but really didn’t want, I was able to recoup about 90 percent of what I spent basically by hounding this particular company for a refund. I have one other item like that — the jury’s still out on whether I’ll get a refund, but if I don’t, I don’t. It was a huge lesson to me, all of this. One that taught me that I have the power within to end my own suffering.

My PTSD symptoms are almost completely gone. The two that are left I will continue to address as the need arises.

Who knew that the simple act of tapping on one’s head, face, etc. and reading a couple of books by Eckhart Tolle could be so life changing? Wow.