The post that disappeared

A few days ago, I wrote about struggling — basically, I hit that wall the other day, knocked my way through it, and then promptly hit another one.

I took the post down because it sounded a bit too much like I was crying “martyr.”

That’s not how I see myself. For a long time, though, I didn’t really see myself clearly at all. The effects of domestic violence and the resulting trauma nearly blinded me from seeing myself, my potential, my beauty, everything.

Today, I do see myself clearly. When I look in the mirror, I see a woman who is more determined than ever to create a great life for herself, and she’s already doing that in some very big ways.

Shall I enumerate some? OK, I’m glad you asked:

1. I have continued to work on myself, remembering all I learned from trauma therapy and shaping new, positive self-beliefs.

2. I have taken steps to change my career, and I am putting together a systematic plan to exit my current full-time job and achieve great things, financially and professionally.

3. I stayed with my husband throughout his depression and now, I’m reaping the benefits of that decision — he has made incredible progress against this illness and has become a true partner to me.

4. I am now able to recognize when I’m in situations that are emotionally unhealthy for me, and I get out of them as quickly as possible.

A lot of bad, really stressful stuff happened today. I hit that wall yet again: the third time in about a week. It’s almost like God (if you believe in God) is saying, as He bangs my head against the wall, “Lucy, wake up! Don’t you see that you can’t keep doing what you’re doing? You need to make some changes. Fast!”

I came home today and reiterated my determination to succeed. I will do whatever it takes to make my life what I want it to be.