Peace in my daily life

If I’m 100 percent honest with myself, all I really want is peace in my daily life.

That’s it.

What do I mean by that?

I want my home life to be calm and consistent. That’s all. I know “stuff” happens, but I don’t want to have to live in a situation where every day, or every moment, might be an up-and-down struggle.

That’s what I’m in right now, though. My beautiful husband of more than 15 years has, I believe, been ill with depression for upwards of 5 years. To date, he has not received effective treatment. It’s only been in the past few weeks that I’ve realized the terrible toll his illness has taken on me, let alone him.

I find myself falling back into all the unhealthy patterns I’ve worked so hard to break, particularly the hyper-vigilance around my husband’s moods. Which husband will I wake up to today? Which husband will I see when I get home from the gym? I’m exhausted from worrying, exhausted from “reading” him, exhausted, period.

Obviously he is suffering, too. He’s made an appointment to get going on a different treatment program, so I’m hopeful it will help him.

But what is going to help me?

I’m grappling with some big life questions right now. I don’t have the answers yet, except one: I crave, deserve, need peace in my daily life. I will make whatever decision becomes necessary in order to have it. Because without it, I’ll go back to existing, and I can’t do that now — not when I’ve just learned that it’s possible for me to actually LIVE.

I love my husband, but I finally — finally — love myself more. I won’t sacrifice my own emotional health for anyone else’s.

Embarrassed to be an American today

The House Republican leadership allowed the Violence Against Women Act to die without reauthorizing it, for the first time since 1994. This, even though it had passed the Senate last April will bipartisan support. This, after many GOP House members said they would support it, as well.

There have been other times I’ve been embarrassed to be an American, most certainly. But this inaction by the House has instilled such a deep sense of shame in me, I don’t even know how to express it to you.

Apparently House leader Eric Cantor didn’t like the protections afforded Native American women in the Senate-approved bill. In the news stories I’ve read so far, I haven’t been able to read WHY he didn’t like that provision.

I’ve seen some really nasty comments already on news stories about this situation, and it’s clear to me that the people posting them don’t understand what the VAWA actually does. While I don’t normally recommend Wikipedia as a reliable source, their article does a fairly good job of explaining its provisions.

I wonder how many Americans really know how little we have in the way of protections and services for women who have been victims of violent crime, like rape and domestic violence. As we watch our reproductive rights erode in this country, now we also have to see more of our basic human rights wash out to sea.

I’m embarrassed to be an American today. And I’ll continue to feel this way until the VAWA is approved, with all the provisions included. Even then, I’m not sure I will ever get past the deep resentment I feel toward our “leadership.”

It’s a sad day for all Americans.