If I’m 100 percent honest with myself, all I really want is peace in my daily life.
What do I mean by that?
I want my home life to be calm and consistent. That’s all. I know “stuff” happens, but I don’t want to have to live in a situation where every day, or every moment, might be an up-and-down struggle.
That’s what I’m in right now, though. My beautiful husband of more than 15 years has, I believe, been ill with depression for upwards of 5 years. To date, he has not received effective treatment. It’s only been in the past few weeks that I’ve realized the terrible toll his illness has taken on me, let alone him.
I find myself falling back into all the unhealthy patterns I’ve worked so hard to break, particularly the hyper-vigilance around my husband’s moods. Which husband will I wake up to today? Which husband will I see when I get home from the gym? I’m exhausted from worrying, exhausted from “reading” him, exhausted, period.
Obviously he is suffering, too. He’s made an appointment to get going on a different treatment program, so I’m hopeful it will help him.
But what is going to help me?
I’m grappling with some big life questions right now. I don’t have the answers yet, except one: I crave, deserve, need peace in my daily life. I will make whatever decision becomes necessary in order to have it. Because without it, I’ll go back to existing, and I can’t do that now — not when I’ve just learned that it’s possible for me to actually LIVE.
I love my husband, but I finally — finally — love myself more. I won’t sacrifice my own emotional health for anyone else’s.